One day without e.d. behavior down. My parents are in town, I'm using this as a time to break out of the cycle. My mom calls at 9:00am to say they will be here at 3:00pm. My first thought: I can binge and purge before they get here. I really had to fight to not do it. I was actually calculating the time in my head. How many times can I binge and purge and still have time to scrub my apt. and do laundry before they get here? Keep in mind that my apt. was an eating disordered mess. I seriously contemplated it! Gratefully though, I didn't. I got my apt. sparkling clean and smelling fresh (as opposed to other odors).
So I feel really good about today. Things w/mom & dad are going well. We did have one incident at dinner. I realize that I'm fighting history, but when I say I'm working on a certain issue w/the therapist, I wish they would believe it and then let it go. My mom just has to reiterate her concern over & over, even when I tell her it's not helpful. I'm glad they are here though.
I can get through tomorrow and then Mon. w/out e.d. behavior, things will get better.
I'm still missing the point though...if I've been doing e.d. behavior, obviously there is something wrong! I've been so focused on just stopping the behavior, I never tried to figure out why I went to the behavior and what I need to change so I don't need the behavior anymore.
Wish it was Thursday (therapy day).
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
One More Time?
Sick and tired of writing the same damn thing...the day started with the best of intentions...get back on track, don't do any e.d. behavior, blah blah blah. Same old story, the good intentions don't get me very far.
The parents are coming up to visit this weekend. They know I'm flopping, needless to say they are not happy, considering the hundreds of thousands of dollars they've spent on me and my recovery. The therapist and I both agree this weekend is a good opportunity for me to get out of this cycle, so I'll have to deal w/the impending arguments.
It's always "one more time" w/me. But I know full well it's never the last time.
Haven't been sleeping, which really sucks. Trying to hold it together at school...not doing so great at that.
I thought it hurt bad enough when I came out to Utah. I thought I was done.
Damn, just by looking at the way I'm writing, I can tell my mind is fried.
The parents are coming up to visit this weekend. They know I'm flopping, needless to say they are not happy, considering the hundreds of thousands of dollars they've spent on me and my recovery. The therapist and I both agree this weekend is a good opportunity for me to get out of this cycle, so I'll have to deal w/the impending arguments.
It's always "one more time" w/me. But I know full well it's never the last time.
Haven't been sleeping, which really sucks. Trying to hold it together at school...not doing so great at that.
I thought it hurt bad enough when I came out to Utah. I thought I was done.
Damn, just by looking at the way I'm writing, I can tell my mind is fried.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Almost Done
I'm about done. My life, this period of time living in a relapse, I can't do it. I don't want to do it. My mind is in a million places right now.Part of it is heading toward the hopeless darkness of the eating disorder, another part wishes I could go back to parts of the eating disorder I liked, and still, another part is tired and wants to completely turn my back on anything that remotely resembles an eating disorder.
I saw the therapist & dietitian today. Needless to say, all 3 of us are at a loss. We are banging our heads against a steel wall. There seems to be no way to break through the damn thing. The biggest questions? When was it that my thinking changed? When was it that I decided I wasn't going to do the things I had been doing to stay away from eating disordered behavior? And, when was it that I decided I needed the eating disorder again?
My biggest fear has come to pass...I was scared as hell of going back to teaching & relapsing. It was the one thing I COULDN'T do again. And now, I'm swimming in it, barely keeping my head above water, trying to keep it together.
I couldn't even do what I said I was going to do...I binged & purged tonite, and I didn't call anyone. I quit.
So what is my word worth? And now what? I feel like that is the one question I keep asking, and I never come up with an answer. Or, to put it better, I never come up with an answer that I follow through on.
Looking back, I can see my moments of dishonesty, the "harmless" behaviors and secrets. Hell, I discharged with some. So now it's come back on me. Eating disorders are selfish, life-stealing monsters. You give an inch, it takes 10 miles...and then keeps going. I should have known better.
The other question brought to the table in therapy: what am I willing to do in order to get out of this cycle? Do I move? Quit my job? Go back to treatment (the ABSOLUTE last option)? Or, is it much more simple than all of those? I make different choices. I think about how my life is at this very moment, and that the power to change the circumstances is entirely in my hands.
I say all the right things, I'm real good at that. I just can't seem to back up those words with actions.
Am I really done?
I saw the therapist & dietitian today. Needless to say, all 3 of us are at a loss. We are banging our heads against a steel wall. There seems to be no way to break through the damn thing. The biggest questions? When was it that my thinking changed? When was it that I decided I wasn't going to do the things I had been doing to stay away from eating disordered behavior? And, when was it that I decided I needed the eating disorder again?
My biggest fear has come to pass...I was scared as hell of going back to teaching & relapsing. It was the one thing I COULDN'T do again. And now, I'm swimming in it, barely keeping my head above water, trying to keep it together.
I couldn't even do what I said I was going to do...I binged & purged tonite, and I didn't call anyone. I quit.
So what is my word worth? And now what? I feel like that is the one question I keep asking, and I never come up with an answer. Or, to put it better, I never come up with an answer that I follow through on.
Looking back, I can see my moments of dishonesty, the "harmless" behaviors and secrets. Hell, I discharged with some. So now it's come back on me. Eating disorders are selfish, life-stealing monsters. You give an inch, it takes 10 miles...and then keeps going. I should have known better.
The other question brought to the table in therapy: what am I willing to do in order to get out of this cycle? Do I move? Quit my job? Go back to treatment (the ABSOLUTE last option)? Or, is it much more simple than all of those? I make different choices. I think about how my life is at this very moment, and that the power to change the circumstances is entirely in my hands.
I say all the right things, I'm real good at that. I just can't seem to back up those words with actions.
Am I really done?
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Quitting
I'm ready to quit. Again. For what seems like the millionth time in the last 11 years. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see what's going on...I haven't written in a couple weeks, so obviously I've found something else to do...namely, my eating disorder. That's right folks, I've begun the dive down the mountain. At first it was a couple of bad days, then I'd be okay for a day or two, and then it eventually evolved into every day, several times a day. And now, I'm back into that place of not sleeping, spending all my money, not having enough energy to do anything else but my eating disorder, and desperately trying to hold it together at work. And ironically, in the last couple of weeks, I've divulged to a few teachers at school about my eating disorder and my recovery. Great, back to being a hypocrite.
The saddest thing though, is the fact that I have isolated myself again. 3 weeks ago, I had a social life, I was going out every weekend, and now...nothing. Maybe moving into my own apartment wasn't such a great idea. The thing is, I've had opportunities to go out and I chose my eating disorder.
So now what? I'm caught in this cycle, and I'm not really doing anything to get out of it. I'm back to just wanting it to go away without me having to do any work.
I can look back at the days leading up to my first major eating disordered behavior. I definitely let some little things back in, behaviors that didn't seem like such a big deal. I knew what I was doing though. I knew I was doing things I shouldn't, but I did them anyway, thinking it wouldn't matter. That thinking came back to bite me in the butt.
The biggest letdown, however, is the idea that I'm letting everyone down. Again. I feel like I wasted the last 8 months of my life. My parents have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on me and my treatment. They never gave up on me. And now I'm throwing it all away.
But I'm tired. I can't live like this anymore. So now what? I'm at a critical crossroad...I've dug myself into a hole but I'm not completely buried yet. It's not impossible for me to get out of this.
I'm going to keep trying. And one thing I will commit to...before I want to go out and binge & purge, I will call someone or email someone and tell that person I feel like giving up.
I don't want to be a quitter.
The saddest thing though, is the fact that I have isolated myself again. 3 weeks ago, I had a social life, I was going out every weekend, and now...nothing. Maybe moving into my own apartment wasn't such a great idea. The thing is, I've had opportunities to go out and I chose my eating disorder.
So now what? I'm caught in this cycle, and I'm not really doing anything to get out of it. I'm back to just wanting it to go away without me having to do any work.
I can look back at the days leading up to my first major eating disordered behavior. I definitely let some little things back in, behaviors that didn't seem like such a big deal. I knew what I was doing though. I knew I was doing things I shouldn't, but I did them anyway, thinking it wouldn't matter. That thinking came back to bite me in the butt.
The biggest letdown, however, is the idea that I'm letting everyone down. Again. I feel like I wasted the last 8 months of my life. My parents have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on me and my treatment. They never gave up on me. And now I'm throwing it all away.
But I'm tired. I can't live like this anymore. So now what? I'm at a critical crossroad...I've dug myself into a hole but I'm not completely buried yet. It's not impossible for me to get out of this.
I'm going to keep trying. And one thing I will commit to...before I want to go out and binge & purge, I will call someone or email someone and tell that person I feel like giving up.
I don't want to be a quitter.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Life Takes Over
My goal of blogging every day has already been tossed to the side...my life got in the way. I started back at school this week. Teacher meetings, trainings, getting the classrooms ready. My stress level has shot through the roof. I thought I was prepared, but guess again. Work has already started to take on a life of its own, a life that has, in the past, made me sicker than I already was. The pressure to be a "model" pe teacher, to be a great coach, to be creative, and to be willing to put in those extra hours and go way above & beyond the call of duty. And then, feeling like a failure because I felt I didn't succeed at any of those things.
So now, a new school year, a healthier state of being...what's going to change? I've already felt myself being crunched, administration wanting to know what programs I'm going to run, trying to make sure my schedule is full of the extracurriculars that I'm apparently now in charge of. I panicked, wondering how I was going to do all of it and still take care of myself, get myself to therapy. I did a most wonderous thing...I set boundaries. I said I would run programs 2 days per week. Every once in a while, there may be a 3rd day, but I can work with that. It was so awkward to actually say "this is what I can do, this is what I can't do." My "please don't be mad at me" button was being pushed repeatedly during the entire meeting. But I did it.
Life...now is much better than it was. I can say no (with a bit more confidence), I can actually have a real LIFE. I played softball tonite and then went to dinner with a guy I just happen to have a little bit of a crush on...all these things would never have happened if I was still in my little eating disordered world.
Life takes over, but if you handle it the right way, it doesn't have to suffocate you.
So now, a new school year, a healthier state of being...what's going to change? I've already felt myself being crunched, administration wanting to know what programs I'm going to run, trying to make sure my schedule is full of the extracurriculars that I'm apparently now in charge of. I panicked, wondering how I was going to do all of it and still take care of myself, get myself to therapy. I did a most wonderous thing...I set boundaries. I said I would run programs 2 days per week. Every once in a while, there may be a 3rd day, but I can work with that. It was so awkward to actually say "this is what I can do, this is what I can't do." My "please don't be mad at me" button was being pushed repeatedly during the entire meeting. But I did it.
Life...now is much better than it was. I can say no (with a bit more confidence), I can actually have a real LIFE. I played softball tonite and then went to dinner with a guy I just happen to have a little bit of a crush on...all these things would never have happened if I was still in my little eating disordered world.
Life takes over, but if you handle it the right way, it doesn't have to suffocate you.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday to me! Actually, my birthday was yesterday. I have entered into a new decade....30 years old. For some, turning 30 is a crisis. People see the carefree attitude of the 20's slipping away. 30 means you have to be a real adult. 30 means responsibility, duty, all which can be summed up into one word: BORING.
This is not the case with me. I am looking forward to my 30's. I see the possibility of what I really want in my life finally being able to happen. See, my late teens and entire 20's pretty much sucked. This is what happens when an eating disorder is the most important thing in your life.
I don't remember the last good birthday I had. Most of them were spent alone, just me and my eating disorder. Last night, at my birthday celebration, I could see just how far I've come. Eating a nice dinner with 10 of my friends, eating ice cream cake at 11pm, playing Mario Kart on the Wii with the guys until 1am...these seemingly ordinary things were unheard of in my life for the past 11 years.
This birthday was exactly what I needed. I've been feeling stuck, like I'm not making progress in my recovery. Last night showed me that while I may feel stuck now, I've come a long way, and if I keep working hard, I can recover and live the life I was meant to live.
This is not the case with me. I am looking forward to my 30's. I see the possibility of what I really want in my life finally being able to happen. See, my late teens and entire 20's pretty much sucked. This is what happens when an eating disorder is the most important thing in your life.
I don't remember the last good birthday I had. Most of them were spent alone, just me and my eating disorder. Last night, at my birthday celebration, I could see just how far I've come. Eating a nice dinner with 10 of my friends, eating ice cream cake at 11pm, playing Mario Kart on the Wii with the guys until 1am...these seemingly ordinary things were unheard of in my life for the past 11 years.
This birthday was exactly what I needed. I've been feeling stuck, like I'm not making progress in my recovery. Last night showed me that while I may feel stuck now, I've come a long way, and if I keep working hard, I can recover and live the life I was meant to live.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Acceptance
I look at who I am today and try to not compare with what I was. I realize that the closer I get to the school year (I am a p.e. teacher.....says the girl with the eating disorder), the more difficult it is. While in treatment, I thought I had gotten a good handle on it. Now I find that to not be the case. It goes beyond the body and what it looks like. I have, somewhere along the line, set this standard for myself. I am an athlete, I am a teacher, therefore, I must be........fill in the blank. I always felt I had to be the model of perfect health, of perfect eating. All the while I had this shameful secret that was slowly killing me (not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well). The thing is, no one told me I had to be a certain way. No one said "you are an athlete, you are a teacher, you must be held to this standard and you must keep this image." It was all my creation.
So now I find myself stuck....I'm not happy with what I am but I'm not willing to do what I had to do to keep the image/standard. Part of me doesn't want to accept me the way that I currently am, but I look at everything I have in my life right now. My life is 100% better today than it was 7 months ago. I have decisions to make....accept it or don't. If I don't, am I ready to face the consequences that are inevitable?
So now I find myself stuck....I'm not happy with what I am but I'm not willing to do what I had to do to keep the image/standard. Part of me doesn't want to accept me the way that I currently am, but I look at everything I have in my life right now. My life is 100% better today than it was 7 months ago. I have decisions to make....accept it or don't. If I don't, am I ready to face the consequences that are inevitable?
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