I look at who I am today and try to not compare with what I was. I realize that the closer I get to the school year (I am a p.e. teacher.....says the girl with the eating disorder), the more difficult it is. While in treatment, I thought I had gotten a good handle on it. Now I find that to not be the case. It goes beyond the body and what it looks like. I have, somewhere along the line, set this standard for myself. I am an athlete, I am a teacher, therefore, I must be........fill in the blank. I always felt I had to be the model of perfect health, of perfect eating. All the while I had this shameful secret that was slowly killing me (not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well). The thing is, no one told me I had to be a certain way. No one said "you are an athlete, you are a teacher, you must be held to this standard and you must keep this image." It was all my creation.
So now I find myself stuck....I'm not happy with what I am but I'm not willing to do what I had to do to keep the image/standard. Part of me doesn't want to accept me the way that I currently am, but I look at everything I have in my life right now. My life is 100% better today than it was 7 months ago. I have decisions to make....accept it or don't. If I don't, am I ready to face the consequences that are inevitable?
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Why
So I hate computers.....why am I now blogging? The answer is quite simple. I need to shatter the glass. Sounds really stupid, confusing, etc., etc., but if you had lived my life for the last 11 or so years, you would understand. In short, my life was nothing but a raging eating disorder, I WAS an eating disorder. This eating disorder took everything that I had. After 11 years, I had no friends, no money, no self-respect, no integrity, no sense of self-worth. It amazes me that I am still alive, and did not meet the unfortunate ending of death by cardiac arrest or suicide.
My purpose is not to give the details of my eating disorder, but to give the details of my recovery. I left my 4th treatment about a month ago, and while life has not been easy, it has been 100% better than what it was. Why did it take me 4 times? The first 3 were a joke. I lied my way through them, planning what parts of the eating disorder I wanted to keep. I was a master manipulator and could lie without batting an eye. 6 months ago, I hit rock bottom. This rock bottom had razors on it, and finally, it hurt bad enough to finally do something about it....for real this time, no b.s., no manipulation, no secrets. I went to Center for Change in Orem, UT, which proved to be the smartest thing I've ever done.
In short, I want to share my experiences in recovery with others. If you are pro-ana or pro-mia, you will not find anything here that supports that belief. If, however, you are looking for support, understanding, determination, this blog is for you. Recovery is hard as hell, harder than I ever thought it would be, and although I have been assimilating back into "normal" life, it is not without bumps, potholes, and moments I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm hoping that my experience blogging will be another tool that I can use in my recovery. I will share my struggles, my successes, my falls, and my hope for the future.
"Shatter the Glass" has some significance to me....I hated what I saw in the mirror and I want to shatter that distorted funhouse mirror. I also picture the "glass" as an image ot identity that I always felt I had to uphold....well, no more. I'm breaking that sucker!
Feel free to follow me on my journey toward being RECOVERED, and if you are one of the millions caught the hell that is an eating disorder, believe that there is someone out there who knows how you feel and is praying for you.
My purpose is not to give the details of my eating disorder, but to give the details of my recovery. I left my 4th treatment about a month ago, and while life has not been easy, it has been 100% better than what it was. Why did it take me 4 times? The first 3 were a joke. I lied my way through them, planning what parts of the eating disorder I wanted to keep. I was a master manipulator and could lie without batting an eye. 6 months ago, I hit rock bottom. This rock bottom had razors on it, and finally, it hurt bad enough to finally do something about it....for real this time, no b.s., no manipulation, no secrets. I went to Center for Change in Orem, UT, which proved to be the smartest thing I've ever done.
In short, I want to share my experiences in recovery with others. If you are pro-ana or pro-mia, you will not find anything here that supports that belief. If, however, you are looking for support, understanding, determination, this blog is for you. Recovery is hard as hell, harder than I ever thought it would be, and although I have been assimilating back into "normal" life, it is not without bumps, potholes, and moments I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm hoping that my experience blogging will be another tool that I can use in my recovery. I will share my struggles, my successes, my falls, and my hope for the future.
"Shatter the Glass" has some significance to me....I hated what I saw in the mirror and I want to shatter that distorted funhouse mirror. I also picture the "glass" as an image ot identity that I always felt I had to uphold....well, no more. I'm breaking that sucker!
Feel free to follow me on my journey toward being RECOVERED, and if you are one of the millions caught the hell that is an eating disorder, believe that there is someone out there who knows how you feel and is praying for you.
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