Quitting

I'm ready to quit. Again. For what seems like the millionth time in the last 11 years. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see what's going on...I haven't written in a couple weeks, so obviously I've found something else to do...namely, my eating disorder. That's right folks, I've begun the dive down the mountain. At first it was a couple of bad days, then I'd be okay for a day or two, and then it eventually evolved into every day, several times a day. And now, I'm back into that place of not sleeping, spending all my money, not having enough energy to do anything else but my eating disorder, and desperately trying to hold it together at work. And ironically, in the last couple of weeks, I've divulged to a few teachers at school about my eating disorder and my recovery. Great, back to being a hypocrite.
The saddest thing though, is the fact that I have isolated myself again. 3 weeks ago, I had a social life, I was going out every weekend, and now...nothing. Maybe moving into my own apartment wasn't such a great idea. The thing is, I've had opportunities to go out and I chose my eating disorder.
So now what? I'm caught in this cycle, and I'm not really doing anything to get out of it. I'm back to just wanting it to go away without me having to do any work.
I can look back at the days leading up to my first major eating disordered behavior. I definitely let some little things back in, behaviors that didn't seem like such a big deal. I knew what I was doing though. I knew I was doing things I shouldn't, but I did them anyway, thinking it wouldn't matter. That thinking came back to bite me in the butt.
The biggest letdown, however, is the idea that I'm letting everyone down. Again. I feel like I wasted the last 8 months of my life. My parents have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on me and my treatment. They never gave up on me. And now I'm throwing it all away.
But I'm tired. I can't live like this anymore. So now what? I'm at a critical crossroad...I've dug myself into a hole but I'm not completely buried yet. It's not impossible for me to get out of this.
I'm going to keep trying. And one thing I will commit to...before I want to go out and binge & purge, I will call someone or email someone and tell that person I feel like giving up.
I don't want to be a quitter.