Almost Done

I'm about done. My life, this period of time living in a relapse, I can't do it. I don't want to do it. My mind is in a million places right now.Part of it is heading toward the hopeless darkness of the eating disorder, another part wishes I could go back to parts of the eating disorder I liked, and still, another part is tired and wants to completely turn my back on anything that remotely resembles an eating disorder.
I saw the therapist & dietitian today. Needless to say, all 3 of us are at a loss. We are banging our heads against a steel wall. There seems to be no way to break through the damn thing. The biggest questions? When was it that my thinking changed? When was it that I decided I wasn't going to do the things I had been doing to stay away from eating disordered behavior? And, when was it that I decided I needed the eating disorder again?
My biggest fear has come to pass...I was scared as hell of going back to teaching & relapsing. It was the one thing I COULDN'T do again. And now, I'm swimming in it, barely keeping my head above water, trying to keep it together.
I couldn't even do what I said I was going to do...I binged & purged tonite, and I didn't call anyone. I quit.
So what is my word worth? And now what? I feel like that is the one question I keep asking, and I never come up with an answer. Or, to put it better, I never come up with an answer that I follow through on.
Looking back, I can see my moments of dishonesty, the "harmless" behaviors and secrets. Hell, I discharged with some. So now it's come back on me. Eating disorders are selfish, life-stealing monsters. You give an inch, it takes 10 miles...and then keeps going. I should have known better.
The other question brought to the table in therapy: what am I willing to do in order to get out of this cycle? Do I move? Quit my job? Go back to treatment (the ABSOLUTE last option)? Or, is it much more simple than all of those? I make different choices. I think about how my life is at this very moment, and that the power to change the circumstances is entirely in my hands.
I say all the right things, I'm real good at that. I just can't seem to back up those words with actions.
Am I really done?